“Shit! I’m almost late!” Ah what a shit beautiful morning. When the birds are singing on the branch of an oak tree, children playing above it and their parents are cheating on the bench with accompanied by a cup of warm coffee. They all look so happy, but how about me? Run throughout the way to chase the time that has going further than me. If I failed to chase it, I will miss a very important thing throughout my life. Because this morning I want to go to French educational agency that held student scholarships in France for Japanese student. A week ago I just accepted good news if my proposal has accepted and know I just must to pass a step again to get a golden ticket to France, the interview session.
Ah, I’ll tell you a little about me. I am a fresh graduated from Tokyo University, and now I am chasing a student scholarship to France. I graduated from the Literature program of Tokyo University, and now my occupation is beside hold a Social Charity with my friends, I also write for weekly article for some magazines and I am in the process of completing my fourth novels.
The day of the interview session is today. And unfortunately I wake up late this morning. If I pass this chance I will thrown a most meaning things in my life. I have passed a step and if I give up in the middle like this I just will feel so regret. That’s why, by using all of power still works on my body I run to that place, while make a wish “I hope God don’t mind to make the time walks slower for me”
That is, that is the building. That is, and I almost arrive!
“Who are you?” ask a security to me.
“I am the participant of this scholarship challenge. Please, I have something can be explained how can I come late to here.” Explained me to that half century man.
“Sorry, you can’t. This scholarship challenge just open for they who do hard effort to get this, not a lazy and sloppy girl like you.” Said him with his sucks expression.
“What?! Man, it’s must not being your business!” He spent all of my patience.
“Hey, you!”
“Stop. Who are you?” suddenly a man else comes to us. Not someone using same uniform like this terrible one. But he wears a shirt, with a trouser and added by a tie with a nice combination of texture and colour.
“I, I am a participant of a student scholarship challenge here. I late because...”
“Hmm, you don’t late.” Cut him. “It’s still two minutes before the limit time. You can go.” Said him with a stoic face.
“Ah, you sure?” asked me brightly.
“I think it will be better if you hurry up. Its just two minutes, ah.. one minute now.” Said him while look at his expensive looking watch.
“Ah, yeah. I will go, thanks a lot after all of this, sir.”
“Hmm..” I just can hear a little volume of his misery respond. Because I gone to the building. Left that angel man and that devil security while say so much thanks to God.
_4040404_
Brukk “Argh...” suddenly I hit someone and make us both fall to the floor with all of his documents that also separating on it.
“Aaah, I’m.. I’m so sorry..!” said me regretful while help him to gathering his documents that separating because of my sloppy.
“Yeah, it’s ok.. Thanks for helping.” Said him, but I still didn’t yet look at his face. I still don’t know how is he really looks like. When we finished it, we both stand up and when I haven’t already nodded I can see how lucky I am. I just hit a prince like I always admire in anime and manga I read.
He is not to tall, not as tall as an high jump athlete, but its enough as a boy. Maybe about 170 cm. His awkward smile, I don’t know how can it looks so sweet through my eyes. His skin is quiet bright, even it’s brighter than me that in fact is a girl. With a neat and cool fashion style that really match with his dark and shining short black hair. He wear maroon plaid shirt under his cool black coat and blackish jeans trousers. And the most important, those beautiful eyes behind his glasses that has a very gentle light. For some seconds my concentration just stuck on him and admire everything on that perfect boy.
“Damn! I forgot that!” said me when by suddenly I remember that I must follow the interview test.
“Ah, miss..” called him gently, and.. oh, God, I am not kidding. What a gentle baritone voice..
No.. no.. no.. don’t be stupid on this time. Your brain and your healthy mind is really needed by you than everything else, now. “Ah, I am busy. I must go now.” Good bye my prince, I am sorry for leaving you...
“I am waiting in cafeteria. After you done your business..” WHAT? Aah.. am I have some problem with my hear? That voice, called me back and ask me to meet him in cafeteria?
“I,I.. I’ll be tthere..” answered me awkwardly and I continue my fight.
Finally after a really hard morning, now I have passed it. Everything I need to attend and everything I have to do has finished well by me. After all of things I have to do have finished, must I meet him in the cafeteria?
By all of brave I have gathered to make my mental stronger, I go to its cafeteria. I walk on to the behind side of this old building and finally find out a nice coffee shop with some basket of many kinds of breads with their delicious smell. The delicious smell of the breads, and an exotic smelling from the coffee. What a cool combination, moreover if it added by someone sitting alone in an outside table.
He just smiling and moving his hand as a symbol for me to sit on a chair else in the different side with him on that round table. I really don’t know certainly what he mean with this. I just crashed with him this morning, help him a little to gather his separating documents, and.. nothing else. But now, as I tell you, he ask me to meet him in a cafeteria just because of that.
He close the book he read before , maybe to protect himself from boring throughout he waiting for me. “What kind of beverages you’d love to drink now?” Asked him with his gentle voice-again-.
“Aah, you don’t need to do all of this..!”
“Ah, no. Never mind this..” Yeah, you are totally success to make me can’t stop to wondering about you. Someone I just hit this morning, that even I still don’t know his name offer me a drink. How can I stop to wondering that in my mind? Everything about you is so mysterious.
5 seconds, 15 seconds, one minute, two minute, and time goes by when everything here is so lonely. There’s nothing conversation between us after that waiter go. He that I think getting bored, open his book again and read some pages of it. I want to break all of this loneliness, but I don’t know which is the right sentence I can use now?
“Ah, I am so sorry, even I before introduce my self to you. Sorry made you confuse, I am Inozouka Nao.” Nao? Ah, what a match prince name for you..
“I’m __”
“Higurashi Aki?”
“What?! How can you know my name?”
“Excuse me, monsieur, mademoiselle, here are your offered menu.”
“Oui, merci.”
“ De rien..” answered that waiter and then go, leaved two cup of hot Brazilian coffee on our desk.
“You didn’t yet answer my question...” said me to remember him with something happened between us before this.
“I won’t forget it. Higurashi-san.” Said him while looking for something in his bag. “How can I don’t know your name if by directly it written on the cover of my favourite book ever.” He put a book on the table with a cover that written Eiffel in My Dream by Higurashi Aki. I don’t believe this.
“You read that novel?”
“I admire this. That’s why it becomes a really big moment when finally I find its writer and can see her directly, and luckily it happened this morning.” His words looks shining. “However, I am sorry for waste your time this afternoon.”
“Haah, I totally don’t mind of this. But, I really don’t believe if that amateur novel will have an admire like you.”
“You are wrong, that is a great debut. Without caring about your simple way of writing that novel hide a big power. When I read it, I know if someone has written that novel is really know about dream and because of this novel, I can make my self more brave to have and reach a dream.” He is breathing in the middle of his long telling. “My father passed away when I was in junior high school. At that time I feel so worried about my future. I as the only boy in my family must try to forget all of I want to do someday. But your novel make me believe again about the power of dream. Because of that, I want to say so many thanks to you have written this wonderful book.”
“Aah, yeah. I am so glad hearing this. That is a novel that I also feel it power. If I never write that, maybe I never come here now.” I also think if that novel has something like a big motivation. I know that I written it when I was in senior high school, and now I’m 22 years old, some odd sentences will be found by me if I read it again. Yaah, everyone can understand that something on a senior high school student’s head is something not as completed as them which fill a mature woman’s brain.
“By the way, may I know what are you doing here?”
“Ah, that.. err.. I followed a student scholarship challenge to France and I just finish the interview test.” Answer me.
“Scholarship to France? Is that Sorbonne?
I am nodding because what he has guessed is true. “Yaah, It’s just if I will accepted..”
“Aah, don’t be pessimist like that, I never read it on your book. I believe you can. Will you continue your education on the Literature program?”
“Hey, you are a great guesser! Yeah, that’s true..”
A student of literature department in Sorbonne, Paris, France. What a nice thing to hear. And if I will reach it out, I don’t know how happy am I... Although for get this chance, I must pay many thing. I must leave this country, my lovely house, my memories, and of course everyone have a role on that, if I assume my memories just like an Opera. And maybe this boy.
I am not sure if this is something like that, but I really have feel so comfortable sit on the same table and talking about many thing in our first meeting. It is don’t like me as usual. After dazzled by his style and his handsome of course, this morning. I have feel that it was a certain meeting. And a boy with glasses there is someone I have known for a long time. How ever, without care about our meeting that in fact just happened, I can refuse this comfort feeling.
“I am sure you will accept, and if like that.. maybe we can be neighbour there.”
“Neighb our? You are a..”
“I accept a student scholarship three months ago and next month I will go there. Sorbonne, doctoral program.”
God, I really can believe this, what is Your really plan? “Are you sure?”
“It is something I get from your novel. Brave to reach, and now I finally got it.”
“Aah, your effort must be hard too, all things are depend on you. What is this?!”
“What’s wrong?”
“Ah, so much thanks but sorry, I must go now. I have an appointment at 3pm.”
“It is just 10 minute later, gomenasai, I have made you hassles like this. Or, how if I give you a ride to a place you will?”
“Aah, nno.. I have a lot of bother you today. However, it’s a really nice meeting with you, dōmo arigatō gozaimasu..” said me and I go. Left him alone at that table after exchanged our each email address.
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Paris, 4 months later...
Charles de Gaulle International Airport, here I go! I just arrived here some minutes ago from an International flight which took me here from Narita. Ah, I am not kidding, what a very tiring 13 hours of flight?! But when I start my first step here, all of tired, bored, and other bad feeling disappeared, because here is.. Aaarghh, I can believe this. Yeah! I’m in Paris! Paris..!
After finished all of my business with the immigration office, I walking spritely to go out from this building, and see how great Eiffel Tour that standing not far from here. For some minutes I just stuck there, I can’t escape from its charm that took all of my attention. Aah, a few years ago I just a little girl with a big dream to come here, to get a student scholarship here, to studying about art in this artsy country, in order to someday I can become a great artist. And everything that at that time I thought as just a testimonial ambition, now really become true.
“Excuse me, miss. Do you want to use a taxi?” Someone finally take me out from my imagination. A taxi driver, that stops his taxi in front of me.
“Ah, sure. This is the address.” I give him a little piece of paper I put on my journal. “Do you know it?”
“Of course, it is the dormitory of Sorbonne, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, you right.”
“Ok, have a seat please, mademoiselle...” Said him while open the taxi’s door for me. Then, he closes it and back to his place. He starts to drive his car to a place I have showed.
“So, this is the first time to you to come here?” Asked him. Ah, not bad. Before, many among my friends said that French people are unfriendly with foreigner because they old think still works. They think that French people are dukes and they who not a French have a lower social degrees. It’s also why among them, its very rare who can speak English, or even, if they cold they pretend that they couldn’t speak it. They assume that they don’t need to speaks English, because many times ago, French is a tribe that have a power in their own land, but English are just an immigrant tribe from Germany. And French is used by higher people, like dukes, kings, and rich merchants. Whereas English are used by lower people such as farmer and others who don’t have any big influence. But, I think now it is just an old assumptions. Because, see.. this French taxi driver not as bad as that, or just because he is a driver? Aah.. its not important to think.
“Yes, this is the first...”
“If like that, please enjoy it. You know it isn’t an ordinary city. It is the city of love, when so much girl dreaming of a wedding here, when every single inch of world talking about its beauty, and where so much people wish they get their love here. You will live here, aren’t you?”
“Just for three years, I hope.”
“You will get a love here, I’m sure with it. Ok, now I will give you a free tour, welcome to Paris, dear..” What he mean? How can he say that thing? You will get a love, ah maybe it just a sentence that also including in his tourism promotion. By the way, about the free tour, hmm... Not bad.
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When I arrived in my dormitory room, I must being busy with two different things. First, you must be now. Yeah it was a very tired and bored to cleaning and arranging so many things I brought in this room, and when I really tired, when my body feels like have no bone, I must reply emails I got from my friends. They ask many thing. From an unimportant question, or a question that in fact, I’ll be glad to answer it. That is ‘How’s your day in Paris? Tell me how romantic that city after you see it by your own eyes!’ but, it will be sucks when so many people ask that. I check again my inbox email lists, hmm.. there is no email else I need to reply, hei wait! I find one list, from a name written by kanji. Inozouka Nao. He, he iss..
The boy I met in scholarship organizer.
I click that name and I read that it was a message sent on yesterday. Since that unpredictable meeting, we still keep in touch by email and chatting. But, after one month, when he went to Paris, we seldom have a conversation in chat. We just have communication by sent message through email. Not more, and now, since so many time waiting for, finally his chat is On.
I start it by greet him and he answer it kindly. Ah, that boy. I don’t know how can he take an important role in my life just for some months? We talking so much and he also suggest me a nice accommodation here. For this first month I life in dormitory just because I still not yet find an accommodation for me to support my life throughout I studying here for 3 years. And the last, he asks me to exploring Paris while looking for some rented house for me on the weekend. You can guess my respond, of course I accept it with pleasure.
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A student of literature department in Sorbonne, Paris, France. Hmm.. still a nice thing to hear, and now that is me. In the early meeting like now, I have given so many tasks. Ah, not bad, this is what I want, what I have dreamed of for a long time. And as long as this, all of them are fun. Literature, of course it is a thing I have been loving since many years ago.
But now, my life little feels lonely. That was if we talk about love. I can’t say no if you said that my new friendship with Nao-kun is just not an ordinary friendship. Nao-kun, ah that prince... I can refuse if throughout our meeting, as long as I know him, he is quiet perfect. He is a kind person, although he looks little awkward in first meeting, hhaha.. Beside that he is also good looking, handsome, one of neat boy that in fact is very rare, he has a mature way of thinking, genius, and yeah maybe many others. Hei, what a perfect combination! But beside all of that, I still can move on my love. I had ever been love someone, and until now, it still a difficult thing to forget.
It happened when I was in the Kotto Gakko. And someone I want to talk about now is my senior, Suichi Matsuda. He is one year older than me. Not to different with Nao-kun, they both roughly come from a same type. I realized if there’s something different I feel to him when I saw him in the school backyard. He was watering a little tree of black roses alone. Black roses, ah, they are my favourite flower, and when I saw them I realize if in that backyard, there were two I loved. With all of my brave, I forced my self to meet him. I need to made sure all of things I feels. Am I really loved him, or I just an admirer?
I asked to him, “Ssenpai, is that your flower..?” and he answered me, “Yes, they are. What’s wrong?”Then, from that very simple dialogue we talk so much about the black roses. He was the one that planted them and care them every day, he said that he got the seeds from his friend in China. He likes them because they are beautiful and they have a dark colour. Flowers often assume as the symbol of beauty, but that flower not like that because it has the colour of death. But according to him, flower just like women, without care about their outside looking, they were made by god to make this world more beautiful.
When he said that I looked at his eyes, and aah what a beautiful things to see when my reflection is on that shining black pearl eyes. And finally after about one year, a day that I always waiting for a long time come. For the first time, I hear a beautiful melody, when he asked me to meet him in school studio, gave me a beautiful playing with his violin, brought me a bucket of black roses that tied with maroon ribbon, and he said to me, “You are the only one I feels can completed all of things I don’t have in my life, can disappeared all of my loneliness, can make me feel a beautiful thing named love, I love you, Aki-chan..”
I just not surprised, even all of nerve in my body shaking by his word, for some seconds I can do nothing, even maybe I forget to breathing. It was a really big event throughout my life, when for the first time, I heard by my own and health ears, someone that in fact is nothing for me, someone that just I know in school, someone that I have loved for one year, finally said that he love me. Ah, how can I refused that, but at that time, I have no words, even I just need ‘yes’. I can stop my self to crying. I don’t know how can I be as sensitive as that? But, they are just an expression of my happiness.
Maybe he feel little worried when he decided to come closer to me. And in just some seconds, he makes me my mind blank again when he brings me to his embrace, his warm and gentle embrace. “You don’t need to answer it now. However I can’t force you. Sorry for made you shock.” Whispered him.
Then it’s my turn to force my self. I can make him waiting. It is the only moment I have to give respond of what he said just now, to tell him if.. if..
“One year ago, senpai.. Was the time when I realized.. that, that.. I love you..” That was the words I said that completed my happiness, that start my beautiful times. Ah, yeah it was a really beautiful times, until a accident broke all of little roses trunk that begun to grow. Flowers often assume as the symbol of beauty, but that flower not like that because it has the colour of death. I feels regret how must black roses that make us meet, why must that ‘flower of death’ that make us realize if we’re loving each other, why??
One day in November, when the autumn comes. In my 17th birthday, when Suichi-senpai has promised to come, someone that finally come to me isn’t he who I always waiting for, but his friend who said, “Higurashi-san, I’m sorry, but I must say this to you. Suichi, he had a traffic accident, and now, he has gone.”
__4040404__
Aahh, am I crying again?! No, Aki... Don’t cry again! Don’t make Suichi-senpai sad, he has staying in heaven happily. But if now, I think about Nao-kun... I think I still can’t open my heart to other boy beside Suichi-senpai. I know it was feels so lonely when I live without love. I know it was so quiet when I can’t miss someone again, I just can endure all my happiness and sadness by my self. But, if I try to love Nao-kun, I afraid I just regard him as Suichi-senpai and it will just hurt him self.
Tomorrow is Saturday, so that is the day I and Nao-kun promised to meet. We will walk around Paris. I just accepted a message again from him. He just wants to make sure that I can go with him tomorrow. When I open email from him, I see his photo. Ah, God, how often I must say if he is handsome, and ah, looks like Suichi-senpai... As I said that both of them are comes from same genus if I assume them as plants. It seems like he is the second of Suichi-senpai that comes to my life.
__4040404__
He promised that he will pick me up in my dormitory at 9 am and now is 8.40 am. I have prepared all things I need to carry, and now, I am ready. I am waiting in a bench in school dormitory’s yard near the course.
“Hei, who are you waiting for?” Asked a girl that by not on purpose, pass in front of me.
“Someone.” Answered me.
“Ouch, is this a romantic first date in Paris?” asked her again with a little accent of joking.
“Ah, kidding. Just a friend who offers to help me find a new accommodation. I can’t stay forever here, am I?”
“I see, I see.. Ok, have a nice day!” than she passed. Continue her walking with dormitory’s dog. She is Bianca, my roommate.
Wussshhh..
Autumn breeze, hmm... a beautiful and match melody to hear now, because of course, it is autumn. Leaves of the red maple are falling down to the face of that lake. Some of them who fall to the ground are covering the face of the stony road. The autumn wind blow away around my body, make the air around me getting colder. But someone come in the right time, before my body frozen by this coldness.
“Sorry make you waiting for a long time.” Said him when he arrived in front of me. Some strands of his hair dancing with the wind.
“Ah, I never mind. So, can we go now?” asked me while get up from the bench.
“Oui.” Responded him and after that we start our tour today.
Autumn in Paris is one of most romantic setting that often used by so many romance film, novel, drama, comics, or other performing art media. Everyone can refuse the fact if yes, it is romantic. Paris is a city people called as the city of love, where a realistic man can become romantic when he just feels the atmosphere. Where something called love flying above the others. I mean like this, Paris is a home of many artist and litterateur that born their wonderful masterpieces that talking about love.
Firstly we use the bus to take us around this city, after has look every hotspot here from bus, finally we stop on a bus stop Champs Elysees, and decide to walk on from that place. We take some photos in Arc de Triomph, drink coffee and taste the French Croissant, walking around the Champs Elysees, entering some boutique and just take a look of their new collection, visit the Place de La Concorde, and finally see the full view of Paris from the third floor of Eiffel tower.
“Higurashi-san, that is the rented apartment I want to show to you.” Told him while show a building on the shoulder of the river. It doesn’t look specific, because some high buildings surrounding prevented the house but a brownish building with a big oak tree on the edge of Seine River is not a bad choice.
“Hmm, it looks nice.”
“So, what are we waiting for? It is 3pm. We will back late if we spend many time here, eh! Wait for a minute.” Said him suddenly.
“What’s wrong?” by suddenly, he disappear from my side. I don’t know where he go. But after some minutes waiting finally he comes with something in his hand. Iis, that.. black.. roses.. “Ah, Higurashi-san, I bought this for you. I don’t know, I just think that this flower is match for you.” Said him while give me that bucket of roses.
“Aah, iits.. how can you know that black roses is my favourite flo..wer..” In my heart, this moment like brings all my memories about Suichi-senpai back. How can this bucket of black roses in his hand. Ok for that, he bought in a florist here, but the problem is for something hidden behind a black roses. I like black rose, even, I love it after all of thing happened to me. But since that day I feel like that black roses is something bring Suichi-senpai to his death, and it made me trauma. I am afraid if it will be brings someone’s death come again. And I really don’t want if it happened to Nao-kun.
“You look unhappy, Is there something wrong?”
“Aah, nothing.” Answered me while carry that bucket of black roses in my hand. We both then continue our step to go to the elevator than go down from this tower.
Because of that rented house is not to far from this place that known as the Heart of Paris, we just go there on foot. I still try to forget shadows of Suichi-senpai that filled full my mind because of these black roses. I know if it is the flower of death, even since so many times ago, but I just like it and I think I will confuse if I forced to explain my reason to you. They are just like have a charisma that I loved. And after all of bad experience I had with that flower, I can refuse that I still like that.
The clouds are getting heavy when they bright colour changed into greyish white. It is mean we just need to wait for some minute until the first rain drop comes to this earth. The cold wind of autumn, little by little reduce their temperature. I close my coat tighter when they attacked me. Now, we walk on the shoulders of the road where the rows of maple tree let their leaves falls and lying on earth. I agree if the Autumn of Europe is more beautiful than in my hometown Tokyo. And it will be more beautiful when you spend time here with someone you loved.
After the road that in its side rows many maple tree, we entering a narrower road that on its side stand many old houses with more than two floors. That is the road will bring us to that rented house. I feel something cold drops on my forehead when I look to the sky. What a damn rain! I don’t like rain, moreover today it will disturb the beautiful twilight of autumn which should comes soon. Firstly, it is not a big problem when the rain just drizzling, but when it’s getting swifter, must we forced our self to crash the rain? It is impossible.
“Higurashi-san, I think we should take shelter until the rain a little eased. Come with me.” He takes off his mantel and wears it to me, then pulls my hand gently to a big tree near us. The tree that has many branch and tight leaves can enough protect us from the rain. He just stands next to me by smiling to the dark sky. He loves rain, that’s why he doesn’t look mind with this situation that in fact really suck for me. When I see his smiling face, I remember about his nice attitude to me today. Not only today, but every time he is always as nice as that to me, or, just not to me, however he is a good person. Aah, stop Aki, don’t think anything make you more confused.
However the things I still wondering in my heart is am I still remember how love is really feels like? I feel the first when I still with Suichi-senpai and I think, I forgot that when I feel so lonely and I can’t find how can I feel like that, it happen some years last. Then finally, I found it again when I crashed with a boy in the scholarship organizer. And until now, I still can feel what the taste of a beating heart, the taste of losing words, the taste of regard someone, without realized by you into more important that what you feel is. They are what I feel for Nao-kun now. I rise up my head and try to do the same thing with him. Look to the rainy sky. Hahh... not to bad, but, in a while I forget if a rainy sky have other surprise. That is a damn thunder. And unfortunately, it comes at that time. We are under a high tree and that thunder greets us unkindly. The flash lights come sooner that the sound, it’s appear in the sky like a roots of a tree. Its tail looks so scary just like a long and sharp nails of a dark witch.
Ctarrr..
“Aarghh!” reflect I screamed while close my eyes and press my ears with my hands tightly when that thunder attacks a place near to us. I’ll tell you. Since I was child I have a phobia with the thunder.
“Higurashi-san, are you okay?” asked him. He really looks worried about me. But I can’t answer that now. A thunder is a terrible voice that can destroy your hear, its light contain a lot of electricity that could burst a region cruelly. And of course, it can boom us now, here, under this high tree. “Higurashi-san..” whispered him that I could hear clearly because the thunder is still stopping.
Slowly I feel warmness transferred to my body. I feel there are arms come from my back, around my stomach and give me a warm and comfortable embrace. He hugs me tight. Then he whispers near my ear. “Don’t worry, I’ll be at your side, always..”
The thunder continues to attack every corners of Paris. And its second attacks come. With the same cycle, It begins by the flashlight and end by a fearful voice. But for the second, he could calm me down and make me can little relief my fear. While little by little he tries to erase it. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for all things probably not hearing good for you. Without care about something, I have to say this because my heart can waiting for any longer time. I love you, Aki-chan.. even since before I meet you..”
Ctarrr..
That is the third thunder come along his words that arranged into a most beautiful thing to hear, when a few times ago I heard from Suichi-senpai. Nao-kun just whispered but every word he said is really heard clearly by me. Not to different, it is also make my heart beating fast, and my breathing can’t control. How must I answer to him?
“Yyou.. are you sure, Nao-kun?”
Ctarr..
“I always serious about this..”
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Month by month passed since that day. It was the day when I say yes to be his girlfriend and it still happen until now. My day as long as being his girlfriend going well, very well I think. He is a good couple, he can understand me well, he can be a good partner for me, and he helps me so much.
I have moved to a house he suggested at that time, and now I live here with Bianca. It is a nice two floored house with a tiny garden on its front and a quiet large backyard with a redden leaves tree. That backyard located in the side of Seine River. In this house he often meets me.
But when I feel comfort with his nice attitude I little feel guilty because until now, all my love didn’t yet I dedicate to him. Some of them can’t moved by me from the memories about Suichi-kun. And I still try it until now.
“What’s on your mind, Aki?” It is seems so complicated.” Asked Bianca while pull a chair and sit in front of me.
“There’s something disturb my mind.”
“It is about you both?”
“Yes, or probably it is just about my self.” I just begin my long telling.
“Tell it honey, as long as you think I can help you endure your weight of mind.” She is smiling nicely to me.
“You know about my relationship with Nao-kun now. But I don’t think that, it is as good as it seems.” I still don’t think that it is a good idea. But I can’t just keep silent. I need someone to give me opinion about my problem.
“Yyou mean..?”
“I know he is too much kind to me. I can see, I can feel, I can imagine now how he loves me, how his attitude to me, how he always try to understand me, and how he always try to save me. But beside that, I can do nothing to him..” I am breathing in the middle of my explaining, I little afraid Bianca will think that I am wrong. Okay, its fine, since many time ago I have realized that I am wrong, but I can do nothing with it. I am afraid I will hurt his heart. “Even, worse than that, I still can’t reply his feeling. Until now, I still can’t love him by my own heart..”
“Aaki..” She looks surprised with my saying.
“I don’t know, I always feels regret when I looked at his smile, when I feel that his love for me is pure.”
“You don’t love him at all?!”
“However I can lie to you if in deep inside my heart, I still love Suichi-kun. He is gone too fast, and until now, I still can’t habit my self with that..”
“I never though you are as cruel as that.” Her expression changed into angry. She looks really accuse that I am wrong.
“What you mean?”
“You fool! Think it Aki, think it! You should realize, you should feel how hurt his heart if someday he know it. He knows if the only girl he loves in this world never love him after you both has become a couple. And that day, sooner or later will come!” Snubbed her.
“So, what should I do?”
“You must try to understand his feeling.”
“But my feelings, all of my love I have is still—“
“Your Suichi-senpai?! You will said that, aren’t you?! HE HAS GONE!! REALIZE IT, HE WON’T BACK TO YOU AGAIN!!” snubbed her again. And then she down her intonation and whispers to me, “He.. has.. passed away...”
“Bbut.. Suichi senpai..” I can stop my tears to falling down to the dry wood table. “Hi is my first love, Bianca.. and every single inch of time I had passed with him is still appear clearly in my mind as if it were yesterday.”
“Aki, something wrong from you is you still love shadows of your past boyfriend that still exist in your mind. You still can’t let it go with his soul who still tries to leave you. If you still preserve your mistake like this, you are just like kill Nao slowly.” She goes to my side and sits there. Slowly her hold my shaking shoulders. Try to a little calm me down. “Aki, there is no Suichi-senpai again in this world, although you around it from the east to east again. Now, someone you must to think of is Nao. He is a good boy, and I know he really loves you. I suggest you must try to forget about Suichi-senpai and start to reply his feeling. I am sure he will bring your happiness again, don’t afraid you can’t love him until whenever. His love is just like a spring that always watering your dusty and dry love tree. If you don’t close the way of the water, slowly, one day will surely come new leaves on yours. And the last, if you don’t want to try to loves him. You will miss it someday. However there will be an extreme differences if you lose his love someday, although in fact you never love him.” Said him while patted my shoulder once and then leave me here alone.
Everything Bianca said just now makes me think about it. I can’t refuse if she is true with all of her words she said to me just now. I have try it, since t, he time that I said yes to be his girlfriend but it still difficult for me until now. Everything he said about me that I still love shadows of Suichi-senpai in my heart, I think also true. And then what she said that I was too cruel to him is true. But I can’t do anything with it.
Strong winds outside make window in this room close by it suddenly. And its loud sound interrupted my thoughts. Some minutes after that, when that strong wind make the window opens again and let the wind to entering this room and lower its temperature, my phone ringing. I take it to see, and a name shows there is Nao-kun.
“Moshi-moshi, Nao kun..”
“Aah, Aki-chan, are you busy today?” asked him from somewhere there.
“Ehm.. nno. I don’t have any planning for today.”
“Thank goodness, can we meet? I have to say something.” Aah, god.. his voice, his voice, is.. so transparent. As Bianca said to me, he is to much good for me. a perfect man like him born for a perfect girl too. Not a girl with so many lack and worse than that a girl that couldn’t reply his love. His pure love that in fact dedicated by him just for me.
“Sure. Where it will be?”
“My house, I will pick you up one hour later.”
“I am waiting.” Then finally the phone closed by him.
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Not more than one hour after that, he pick me up. Today he wears a black long coat with a blackish blue shirt inside it and trousers that have the same colour with it. He looks so bright with those dark coloured clothes. It makes his skin looks really white as white as porcelain. He corrected his glasses with his forefinger then smiling to me. Show me a smile that always make me feel guilty. I really want to can love you, really want, but I can’t even after I forced my self, I am so sorry for that Nao-kun.. But to say it directly to you, I am afraid, really afraid of that, I afraid I will hurt you.
You never deserved to hurt by me.
“Why you choose that blackish coloured clothes?” asked me.
“Ah, nothing. There is something affect me to choose this.”
“Ahaha, yeah.. it is not too important to talk now. Can we go?”
“Sure, come on..” he held out his hand to me and I greet it.
We go to his house on foot, because the distance between our houses is not to far. It’s just about 500 m. We are talking along the way to his house with some laugh. That make this brief way feels shorter. After about 15 minutes walking finally we come. He opens the door to of his house and let me enter it.
“I just want to invite you to a simple lunch in my house. Wait a minute, I will serve to you my best food.” He take off his long coat then walk to the kitchen while I waiting here. Spend time lonely when he is cooking. He forbids me to entering the kitchen because he doesn’t want if I help him. He want to show to me if his cooking is good.
Then finally, after wait for about a half hour, he appears again in front of me. He says to me to come with him to the dinning room. I am so surprising when I see some high levelled food lie on the dinning table. I never now before if he is as good as this in cooking. By accompanied by the beautiful melody of Liebestraum no.3, from a gramophone, we enjoy the meals together.
When we almost finished our lunch, he says something to me. “You know my reason to bring you here?”
“You never tell me before, how can I know it?”
“Aki-chan.. assume it as a celebration of my success has pass the selections of students who will follow the social mission to Africa. I will go next week, and I want you are the first one that I tell about this.”
“Why you never tell me before if you follow that?”
“Aah, I want it will be a surprise for you.”
“Nao-kun, Don't you think if.. if, I would be worried about you if you’re so far away from me?” He across the dinning table and hold my hand.
“I know.. Thanks for that, but I am sorry Aki-chan.. I just want to catch my dream to ever do this. Take care of your self when I am so far from you..”
“I will be, you too.” I am afraid, and it is the different afraid with my afraid to hurt you. It is like, I will lose someone important for me again. I can’t understand this.
“Ah one more, please care this flower when I was away.” Said him while give me a flowerpot of a Black Rose’s tree.
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The day of your departure to Africa is a full rainy day. The clouds look so sad to let you go. I go to your house on the early morning, little help you to prepare and check things you need to carry. In my heart, there is a voice try to calm me down, said that it is just a departure will take him to somewhere else in this world. We both are still in the same planet, we still can see the same sky.
He looks fine with this departure, although I know he is also doesn’t want to leave so far from me. Are all of this mean that I love you, Nao-kun? I always say that I didn’t love you purely, is because what I feel for you is something different with I had ever been and still feel to Suichi-senpai. My heart beating not as fast as that, and from everything I feels of you, there something miss than my feeling to Suichi-senpai. And it also feels like I always feel guilty when I realize that love you give to me is really pure. Tell me the answer Nao-kun.. tell me..
I never say that I love you, since our relationship beginning about a half year ago. I just say “I do” when you ask me to be your girlfriend, but you never angry to me about that. I actually really want to ask a question to you, ‘Did you realize that I never say I love you to you? Then what do you think about that?’ Okay it is a bad idea, I know its wrong, and it is a really stupid question. But I need it to make sure that I love you or not.
We both then go to the airport where a helicopter has waiting there completed by its pilot, your lecturer, and other students will join this mission. When we arrive in the airport, the rain has little eased than the last one. Its like the rain has let you to go. I still can understand what I feel now, I feel upset, I feel like now is the only time I have to open my heart and mind that still closed to him. But I don’t understand how to open it. Nao-kun’s friends are accompanied by everyone they love. Someone accompanied by his wife and his son is trying to calm down his son that crying in his arms, someone else share an embrace with his girlfriend, but poor you, Nao-kun.. you just accompanied by a girl like me, who can’t give you love like what they accept from their couple.
“Okay, Aki-chan, here I go. It’s a really not easy thing to leave you alone here, but I believe you can take care of yourself when I am far from you. And its just for not more than one month.” Said him with a regret face.
But just like them who try to let they love go to somewhere strange and danger, I also can’t stop my tears to falling down. I hug him suddenly. Make he looks surprised with it, but I don’t care. Now, I.. I.. I have to say to him what I’ve found. I love him, and stupidly, I just realized it. “Nao-kunn.. don’t go..! Don’t go, please.. I love you, I love you after all. I am sorry I just say it now, I am sorry Nao-kun for all bad things I have done to you, for all my mistake, for all my fools, I love you.. and please, stay here..” I was crying, as loud as I can say it. I know my stupid, but just now I can see to you clearly, without any shadows of Suichi-senpai. And just now I can see to my heart if there is something, I love more than everything about Suichi-senpai now, that is you.. you!
“Aki-chan, finally..” he that just stand a moment ago now reply my embrace tightly and whispered like that. “I know, Aki-chan I always waiting for that time and finally it is come. Sorry for forced my feeling to you, I know if you don’t love me after you said that you agree to be my girlfriend, but I believe this day will come someday. I love you too.. since long time ago and more now, thanks..”
I can’t stop to cry, even my feet like have no bone to keep standing. He knows my feeling, my feeling when I still can’t realize that I love him. How hurt his heart? How hurt is it?! How hurt??!! God, I am really like become a cruel girl. How can he still be nice to me while his heart has broken by me. “Nao-kun.. I am so sorry for that..”
“Don’t think about past if its just make you sad, the most important thing is now, I have made sure that all of my feeling to you along our relationship is not in vain.. its enough fun to hear..”
“I should realize it sooner, I can’t imagine how hurt is your heart because of me..”
“Ssstt.. do you want to know what thing can pay all of that pain?” said him by loosen his embrace and see to deep inside my eyes. “Say, one more.. say if you love me.” all of tears has dried up profusely again.
“Je t'aime..” then, slowly our face getting closer and closer, “Je t'aime aussi..” whispered him again and in just some minute I can feel his warm kiss is on my forehead. “I must go, now.. bye mon cher..”
“Bye, take care! And promise to me, you will come here without anything miss from you.”
“I, promise..”
Finally, that helicopter begin to turn its blades. Little by little, it brings my Prince getting further from me. You have promised, and I believe that you won’t deny that.
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“Aakii..” Bianca yelling when I am watering the black roses tree that Nao-kun leaved to me at that time.
“What’s wrong?” I come to her to see what is something wrong with her. When I come to the living room where she is watching the television. A pitcher I carry to watering that black roses falling down when I also look to the television. Something I can hear is just the voice of that news reader.
“A helicopter that owned by Sorbonne University, Paris, that led to Ghana falls in the Mediterranean Sea, at 12.33 GMT. Can be ensured all passengers consisting of six students, Prof. Ernst Dougheinn, the pilot, and the co-pilot were killed because of the helicopter exploded a few seconds before it crashed and sank in the sea.”
How you must gone, how you must gone in a not right time? How must you go when I have realized how important are you for me? Nao-kun, I love you, I love you! Can you hear it? Answer me! Answer me if you can hear it! Nao-kun why you do this to me? You know, now I have believed my dream of you, but what you do to me? It is your revenge for me?
__4040404__
“I know it has the colour of death, but like women, flowers are made by god to make this world more beautiful, without care about its outside.”
©Yuanita Wahyu P, 2011
Jerami
